Happy Birthday To Me.

I don't want to be a birthday brat but it does bother me a little that out of all the good friends I have, no one can seem to remember. Maybe I just have too good of a memory for dates but I really do remember everyones birthday. It has been quite a crummy day. I went to court this afternoon, followed by an uneventful evening on the couch. I feel a bit lame calling people to ask them if they want to hangout on my birthday haha. Well here's to yet another lonely and forgotten birthday.

Nirvana In A Nutshell

157 Zen Reflections written by Scott Shaw.


This is very short, sweet, and to the point. The novel is made up of 157 different passages that are only a few sentences long. While you may find the writings to be on a bit "extreme" side, there is truth to everything. The novel shares what enlightenment is and is not. The passage that has stuck out to me the most so far is about other's actions. They way people act and feel is in perfect harmony with the universe. It does not mean what they do or say is condoned. It is what is supposed to be. And you do not have to like it.


Sometime we just have to accept things we may not like. We have to understand that those people are serving a different purpose. Just how you and I are serving a different purpose.

I hope this wasn't too deep and philosphical! Just trying to share the love. :)

Dear Kandee Johnson,

I have never been so positive about anything in my life. I have been so hopeful through all of Miss KJ's giveaways. Seeing the results of the others, one can assume there is a good chace I didn't win. Normally I would think thoughts like those, but kandee just has a way of making people feel like they have the best chance in the world. She makes you feel like you are more than just a number. I thank you for that kandee.

Good luck to everyone! Hope the results are up soon.

Love,
B

Heres The Thing...

Sometimes I feel like I know so much. I feel like I am so intelligent that I could relate to EVERYONE. With some truth to the statement, I still know it isn't entirely correct. It's amazing how much we learn in a single day.

And at the end of the day, when you and your posse are on top of the world thinking you know too much for your own good, tomorrow comes. Tomorrow will await you. Tomorrow you will be at least a little more enlightened than you already are.

I Love The Way You Lie.

I decided to delete this post. Er, edit it. I was being a bit passive aggressive...

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

Forget About Your House Of Cards, And I'll Do Mine.

I've come to realize, once everything feels as if it's falling apart in my environment you're always there readily to hold me dearly in yours. I can't thank you enough for standing by my side through our troubles and troubles of my own. We've made so much progress, I finally feel comfortable. I not only trust your intentions but I've learned how to stay true to myself. I love you so much. I can't thank you enough for being the person you are. To think about leaving you is heart-breaking.

I may need to rewind back a few days.

I was lost, looking for answers. I was feeling very desperate. I felt as if I was engaging in an emotional affair with a close friend. A close friend whom also has a girlfriend. I began to yearn for his call instead of my boyfriend's. I thought to myself, "How could I have gotten to this point? Why did I let this happen?" I am the queen of insecurity. I am the one worried about losing my boyfriend to another girl, yet I am becoming wrapped up in my emotions for another man. I know I would never act on those feelings, but to think about both him and my boyfriend was not possible. It caused great heartache. I could not live with myself knowing that I was stealthy making a fool of my boyfriend, and becoming hopeful of a relationship that would never happen.

I prayed to God. I prayed to be guided. I wasn't sure why I was so lost and confused, or why these feelings were occurring. I prayed for guidance in both relationships, and I sought guidance for my relationship with my own family.

The next day my family got into the biggest argument I had seen since I was about seven years old. We yelled every cuss word there is. My Brother and Dad began to push one another as if they were ready to fight. Dad is not allowed to lose his composure hence why I had not ever seen him so angry. Heck, I had not seen anyone so upset before. I said many things I did not mean, including the statement that I was moving out forever. It was bad enough that we all needed to at least get away for a good 24 hours. My boyfriend came and picked me up as soon as he heard me crying, yelling hysterically. Once we reached his home I calmed down. It hit me hard once I tried to get some sleep, though. I called my mom crying, telling her I did not mean the things I said. I was so sorry. I couldn't get the face she made when I started cussing at her. I cringe just thinking about it now.

My boyfriend brought me home the next night. Him and I had such a good time together. I felt better. I felt things were going to fall back into place. I had said sorry, I came home, and I was happily reminded of how much love I have for my boyfriend. I could sleep again. Now if this was not enough for me to believe my prayers had been answered, I heard from the person I was least expecting a call from.

He called me at 2:30AM. I didn't hesitate to answer, but I did think to myself that I had just come back from a nice night at my boyfriend's. "Don't get caught up any further in this love triangle", I thought to myself. He wanted answers also, though. We unspokenly admitted to the love we were beginning to have for one another and how wrong it felt because of the relationships we were committed to. He made the initiative to say that we could no longer talk. He said there was no way he could just be my friend, he wanted something more. Even if he said we were just friends, he knows that he still had a physical attraction to me that friends shouldn't have. Well put, baby.

So for now, I answer my needs. I find clarity within all my relationships. I thank God. I thank the God within in my own mind. I feel I know what I need to do. Well, at least until the next bump in the road.

With No Alarm Could We Say We'd Have Expected This Way

This song continues to make me weep.


I can't say my love will ever die for you, but the flame has certainly been put out.
Goodbye.

Welcome...

This is going to be my first blog post. :D