Forget About Your House Of Cards, And I'll Do Mine.

I've come to realize, once everything feels as if it's falling apart in my environment you're always there readily to hold me dearly in yours. I can't thank you enough for standing by my side through our troubles and troubles of my own. We've made so much progress, I finally feel comfortable. I not only trust your intentions but I've learned how to stay true to myself. I love you so much. I can't thank you enough for being the person you are. To think about leaving you is heart-breaking.

I may need to rewind back a few days.

I was lost, looking for answers. I was feeling very desperate. I felt as if I was engaging in an emotional affair with a close friend. A close friend whom also has a girlfriend. I began to yearn for his call instead of my boyfriend's. I thought to myself, "How could I have gotten to this point? Why did I let this happen?" I am the queen of insecurity. I am the one worried about losing my boyfriend to another girl, yet I am becoming wrapped up in my emotions for another man. I know I would never act on those feelings, but to think about both him and my boyfriend was not possible. It caused great heartache. I could not live with myself knowing that I was stealthy making a fool of my boyfriend, and becoming hopeful of a relationship that would never happen.

I prayed to God. I prayed to be guided. I wasn't sure why I was so lost and confused, or why these feelings were occurring. I prayed for guidance in both relationships, and I sought guidance for my relationship with my own family.

The next day my family got into the biggest argument I had seen since I was about seven years old. We yelled every cuss word there is. My Brother and Dad began to push one another as if they were ready to fight. Dad is not allowed to lose his composure hence why I had not ever seen him so angry. Heck, I had not seen anyone so upset before. I said many things I did not mean, including the statement that I was moving out forever. It was bad enough that we all needed to at least get away for a good 24 hours. My boyfriend came and picked me up as soon as he heard me crying, yelling hysterically. Once we reached his home I calmed down. It hit me hard once I tried to get some sleep, though. I called my mom crying, telling her I did not mean the things I said. I was so sorry. I couldn't get the face she made when I started cussing at her. I cringe just thinking about it now.

My boyfriend brought me home the next night. Him and I had such a good time together. I felt better. I felt things were going to fall back into place. I had said sorry, I came home, and I was happily reminded of how much love I have for my boyfriend. I could sleep again. Now if this was not enough for me to believe my prayers had been answered, I heard from the person I was least expecting a call from.

He called me at 2:30AM. I didn't hesitate to answer, but I did think to myself that I had just come back from a nice night at my boyfriend's. "Don't get caught up any further in this love triangle", I thought to myself. He wanted answers also, though. We unspokenly admitted to the love we were beginning to have for one another and how wrong it felt because of the relationships we were committed to. He made the initiative to say that we could no longer talk. He said there was no way he could just be my friend, he wanted something more. Even if he said we were just friends, he knows that he still had a physical attraction to me that friends shouldn't have. Well put, baby.

So for now, I answer my needs. I find clarity within all my relationships. I thank God. I thank the God within in my own mind. I feel I know what I need to do. Well, at least until the next bump in the road.

With No Alarm Could We Say We'd Have Expected This Way

This song continues to make me weep.


I can't say my love will ever die for you, but the flame has certainly been put out.
Goodbye.

Welcome...

This is going to be my first blog post. :D